its like ripping off a band-aid, i guess. but it hurts so much worse than when you get the little hairs on your arm stuck to the sticky brown adhesive nightmare that is the medical cure-all of this generation.

the last thing i want to do is hurt somebody. or make them think that its their fault that i'm sad, or that they did something wrong along the line. i am responsible for where i invest my heart and my emotions. and even though i've tried so hard to keep my life, my emotions, compartmentalized for the sake of "guarding my heart," i screwed up. i withheld myself, but i gave so much away. i built a tower around my heart, but i left the drawbridge down and a "please! come in!" sign on the lintel. through no one's fault but my own.

God is jealous for his name, his glory. all throughout the old testament, he explains that it's all for him. his names sake, the sake of his glory, HIS name will be proclaimed among the nations and exalted in all the earth. HIS name. and why should he be less jealous of the devotion of his followers? i gave my devotion to my ideals. my hopes. my aspirations. i thought i was asking his permission, seeking his will through it all. but what i was doing was placing stipulations on my adoration of the Lord. i was asking for what I wanted through a lens of "christian" jibberish. I let people define my self-worth. i feel worthless. i feel like i am too much, and yet not enough. i feel like i'm not worthy of anyone's care or love.

it's not true. i know that. God has a specific plan for His name, His glory, and He's letting me be a part of that because He loves me. He created me, and he made me to be who he wants me to be. and i've been acting in so much rebellion to that.

Lord, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't see myself through you're eyes. I'm sorry that I don't love you like I should, that I don't adore you so much that I have no room to feel slighted by what happens to me in this world. Thank you for your discipline, your love, your mercy, your grace, and your strength to put me back to where I need to go, to where I need to be.

thank you for your forgiveness.