im really sad. i just looked at my cousins facebook, and realized that her brothers birthday just passed. i'm pretty sure he's 15 now. im sad that i've lost that part of my family, my aunt and uncle and their 5 kids. i've lost them because they've believed so many lies and have tried to tear our family apart at the seams. it breaks my heart every day, every time i think of them and want to call them up and say "lets go to six flags!" or "lets go to the beach", i remember, i can't. unless they come to their senses and see truth, and apologize for what they have done, they aren't family any more. they can't exist for me.

im crying because i love them so much, but they don't know it. the minute my uncle yelled at me and made me feel for the first time in my life that i wasn't safe near him, he destroyed whatever i had left holding me back from severing off contact.

i love my cousins. so much so that i feel like i'm missing a piece of my body, it's a physical ache that i have daily to not be able to be near them.

i've grown up with a big family, that despite all its little quirks and petty squabbles, has been so close knit that i didnt think anything could tear it apart. but i was wrong. i was raised along side of those kids, alongside all of my cousins (all 15 of them) like we were all siblings. now 5 of them are gone. an aunt that i loved dearly, an uncle that i trusted with my life and more. gone. it's like they're dead, only worse. because i know they are there but i can't touch them, talk to them, hug them. lies separate us.