peace

its what i feel this year.

sure, there are echoes of memories, of hurt and loneliness, from christmases past.

but this one was perfect.

i spent it with my parents, sister, and best friend kelsey. we baked cookies, watched Jarhead and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and lazed about. i just got home from seeing a movie with my cousin and a few friends, and knew and greeted about 30 people that shared the theatre with me this christmas day..eve.

im excited about what the future holds, but also am frightened of the posibilities.

i'm not making resolutions this year. because i never keep them. and i feel like i'm done lying to God. i know i'm not done in the sense that i wont ever do it again..but i'm done doing it conciously and willingly.

i want to wake up with a purpose, and fall asleep without plans. i want to make sure that every step i take is blind, but full of faith. not knowing if there's a cliff, or if there's a nice patch of springy grass to land on.

it makes me think of this one passage from the chronicles of narnia...i think it's from "a horse and his boy." the young man, unaware that he is the crown prince of archenland in narnia, is sent on a mission to warn the king of coming attackers. he runs and runs and runs on his horse, only to be caught in dense fog on a windy, treacherous road. suddenly, there is a voice in the fog and he knows that it is the lion Aslan. he gets to the end of the road after spending it being counseled by the lion, only to look back and see that he was inches from death by falling off the cliff the entire time. the only reason he was alive was because he had faith and kept going and Aslan protected him from the cliff's edge.

corny as it seems, i want my life to be like that. i know there's danger in the fog, but i know i won't fall because God is right there by my side, directing my feet. it doesnt mean my path might not be filled with danger-sorrow, anger, fear, discontentment, sin...but it means that no matter how dangerous it is, it isn't fatal.

i'm learning day by day to just keep moving, no matter how much i want to sit on my hands and weep. because its going to get harder, and today is going to be that much easier when i look back at it from tomorrow. so i'm going to wait for tomorrow.