sometimes its hard to not dwell on the past, and to just keep looking forward.

tonight is one of those "sometimes."

i've realized more and more over the past 3 years that i'm a runner. not in the literal sense, because i hate exercise. but in the sense that my first reaction to life-changing events is to run away. its why when i hit a brick wall, all i want to do is leave simi valley. i want to escape california. i want to go anywhere, do anything else but sit here in my home town.

i start school again on august 18th. i'm stuck here for at LEAST another year and a half. i want to help people, be involved in the community, change someones life, do something meaningful...but then when i am presented the opportunities to do so, and i get into a routine, i get bored. i feel...stale. like i'm not doing anything special, not doing anything of importance. unfortunately, i talk myself back into a rut and start running away again. i quit whatever i'm tied to.

at the moment, i'm running from a student that has been placed in rehab. im running from her because for the last year, she has been struggling with an eating disorder that i don't understand. everything i tell her just goes one ear and out the other. i'm supposed to love her unconditionally and continually forgive her, but i just get tired. worn out from pouring time and effort into a vessel that seems to care less about what i do. oh, sure, she tells me she loves me and loves talking to me and stuff...but it feels like i'm being used for the attention, not the wisdom i try to give her. and so i've run. i've occupied myself with other things. reading this, i look like a monster who has no heart. and sadly, i think its true. its hard for me to pour into someone who just doesnt want to hear it, who says "yes, i know", hmms and uh-huhs in all the right places, and then doesnt do crap about changing anything. i'm tired. and i'm afraid of telling her mom that. and so you know what i did? i stopped answering phone calls. i stopped listening to voice mails. i just fell off the face of the planet for that person.

tomorrow, i'm calling her mom. and i'm sucking it up. and i'm not running anymore. at least, i hope i'm not. i'll pray that god gives me the strength to stay the course. because right now, i don't want to.