so this week has been weird.

i've started taking zoloft again (on drs orders) and this time i'm gonna stick it out and see if it actually does anything. i've been on it for almost 2 weeks, and already i'm actually getting rest when i sleep. i still feel nauseous most of the time, and am yawning like crazy (weird side effects), and there is no noticeable change in my overall mood.

i'm going at it with the understanding that it won't change me spiritually. Only God can do that. it won't make me less prone to sin, it won't change my heart...but hopefully it will help control the whacked-out mood swings that i can't seem to kick.

i'm slowly trying to discipline myself and change how i react to things and people and circumstances. i am desiring to want to spend time with God. thats weird, isn't it? It's not really a desire of mine. I honestly don't want to have quiet times, i don't want to set aside time to pray. I know that God is worthy of every millisecond of my day, and every breath i take he gives to me as a gift. but the desire to honor him in that way isn't there. so when i do pray, i pray for that desire...the desire to love him and devote myself to him above all else. its weird. it's always that difference between gnosko and oida...experiential knowledge and just intellectual knowledge. we talked about it so much in theology 1 and 2, but somehow it always fails to stick.

what i do know is i'm sick of just knowing about God. I want to be intimate with Him. I want to be able to rely on him and love him and trust him like a father, like a husband, like a friend. i want to be able to relate to him on more than just a "thank you for this meal" level.

most things in my life right now suck. and i know its because i'm not living in a manner worthy to what i have been called to (eph 4). i read God's word, and honestly, i love it. i love reading it, studying it. I love the feeling of being able to hear him through the words. but for some reason, i just don't make the time to pick up the bible on the fly and just read. its so WEIRD!

enough for today.

on a funnier note...i love that in simi valley, it takes 3 cop cars and 5 officers to pull over an old lady who ran a red light. sigh. the po po has nothing better to do, apparently they can't find mike garon at this time of night.